It still happened occasionally, probably because he'd missed so much of everyone's lives, but despite what Molly might say, it was getting very difficult for Sirius to mix Harry up with James.
Oh, he was still his father's son, all right (and Lily's too, but mostly James's. Even Sirius knew that Lily had more sense). But James . . . James hadn't been running from anything. He'd always been the grounded one, the whole one, the one the other three tended to gather around. Because Sirius had been running from his family even before he left home, and Remus had been running from himself and still was, and Peter . . . well, it was best not to think about Peter. But the little rat had run from everything.
And Peter ran to whoever looked best to hide behind at the moment, and Remus had been so used to running away alone at eleven that he didn't mind company on the journey but wasn't looking for a destination, but Sirius had needed somewhere to run to and that had been James. The grounded one, the uncomplicated one, the stable one who had been willing to open his life up completely to Sirius as soon as he'd made his running literal.
James had stood out in their circle by being the only one who wasn't running. Harry stood out in his by being the only one who was.
Not that Sirius particularly blamed the kid; he'd seen enough of the Dursleys to want to break every Statuette of Secrecy on the Auror's books and curse them to Hell and back. But Harry wasn't just a kid running from a bad home life, wasn't just Sirius. He had that whole destiny tied up with Voldemort, and he sensed some of it no matter how much Dumbledore tried to protect him from it. But instead of making him more complicated, the way Sirius would have expected it, it brought him full circle back to James as the stunningly uncomplicated one. Instead of Sirius the runaway, who was a mess of half-spoken truths and half-understood needs, Harry was a kid running away from the present, towards the past, so he could understand enough to face the future.
It hurt.
Mostly because he ran towards his father's past. Harry and Sirius both wanted to wind up in the same place, both wanted to run towards James. But James wasn't around anymore, and there were times Harry was running towards Sirius as a substitute for that. And it didn't work. James's son couldn't run to Sirius because Sirius was still that same runaway he'd been at sixteen and didn't have any shelter to offer.
It also hurt because he wanted it. Wanted to believe that he and Harry could both stop running, support each other, become a family. Wanted to believe that he could thank James for it by being someone for Harry to run to. And, at least on some level, he knew better.
So no, Molly, Sirius knew quite well that Harry wasn't James. He just sometimes, couldn't help but wish he saw the rest of James when he looked.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2010-06-14 03:59 pm (UTC)Oh, he was still his father's son, all right (and Lily's too, but mostly James's. Even Sirius knew that Lily had more sense). But James . . . James hadn't been running from anything. He'd always been the grounded one, the whole one, the one the other three tended to gather around. Because Sirius had been running from his family even before he left home, and Remus had been running from himself and still was, and Peter . . . well, it was best not to think about Peter. But the little rat had run from everything.
And Peter ran to whoever looked best to hide behind at the moment, and Remus had been so used to running away alone at eleven that he didn't mind company on the journey but wasn't looking for a destination, but Sirius had needed somewhere to run to and that had been James. The grounded one, the uncomplicated one, the stable one who had been willing to open his life up completely to Sirius as soon as he'd made his running literal.
James had stood out in their circle by being the only one who wasn't running. Harry stood out in his by being the only one who was.
Not that Sirius particularly blamed the kid; he'd seen enough of the Dursleys to want to break every Statuette of Secrecy on the Auror's books and curse them to Hell and back. But Harry wasn't just a kid running from a bad home life, wasn't just Sirius. He had that whole destiny tied up with Voldemort, and he sensed some of it no matter how much Dumbledore tried to protect him from it. But instead of making him more complicated, the way Sirius would have expected it, it brought him full circle back to James as the stunningly uncomplicated one. Instead of Sirius the runaway, who was a mess of half-spoken truths and half-understood needs, Harry was a kid running away from the present, towards the past, so he could understand enough to face the future.
It hurt.
Mostly because he ran towards his father's past. Harry and Sirius both wanted to wind up in the same place, both wanted to run towards James. But James wasn't around anymore, and there were times Harry was running towards Sirius as a substitute for that. And it didn't work. James's son couldn't run to Sirius because Sirius was still that same runaway he'd been at sixteen and didn't have any shelter to offer.
It also hurt because he wanted it. Wanted to believe that he and Harry could both stop running, support each other, become a family. Wanted to believe that he could thank James for it by being someone for Harry to run to. And, at least on some level, he knew better.
So no, Molly, Sirius knew quite well that Harry wasn't James. He just sometimes, couldn't help but wish he saw the rest of James when he looked.