Sam doesn’t tell Gabriel at first because it doesn’t seem like relevant information and because maybe somewhere deep down he feels ashamed.
He’s a big guy, has been since he was a teenager, and he definitely knows how to protect himself. All his life he’s been raised on this one idea of masculinity, of power and strength and the hunt, and that hasn’t helped either. That’s why he can barely even admit to himself most days that he was raped.
Gabriel finds out, of course he does, he’s always been good at snooping in other people’s business and finding out their deepest darkest secrets. The only good thing about it is that Sam’s certain Gabriel won’t use it against him like the angel does when he’s playing the Trickster. But that’s really not a consolation when Sam’s private shame is brought to light and he can no longer pretend that he’s just not ready for sex or even that he’s ok at all.
“Hey, hey, I’m sorry for bringing it up,” Gabriel says as Sam shakes and tries his damnedest not to cry. He knows that little human glitch probably wouldn’t make Gabriel think any less of him, especially with what he knows now, but it’s a reflex that he hasn’t quite broken himself of. “It’s gonna be ok. I can get you some chocolate?”
That makes Sam smile because it’s so very Gabriel. In his mind, everything but their colossally fucked up families can be fixed with enough candy, and Sam’s even found that sometimes that is the case. This, though, is something entirely different.
“It’s really, really not,” Sam says, voice a little hoarse from held back tears and the toxic emotions bubbling up in the back of his throat. “But you can get me some chocolate anyway.”
There’s a snap and a box of chocolate appears on the bed next to them, a nice mix of both of their favorites. Gabriel grabs one of them, the weird maple flavored bacon in dark chocolate that Sam secretly loves but usually refuses to eat because it has so many calories, and gingerly offers a piece to him. Sam smiles again because even now his angelic boyfriend is pretty much the most caring person he’s ever met.
“Can I… hug you?” Gabriel asks after a moment of watching him savor the chocolate.
Sam pauses for a moment, thinking, then nods, and he’s suddenly enveloped in a warm set of arms, the phantom brush of wings tickling his back. It’s exactly what he needs and he sinks into it, grabbing Gabriel’s shirt with two hands and holding on for dear life.
They sit like that until Sam’s lost all track of time and the miniscule shakes that wracked his body are gone. The tears and self loathing are still there, resting just below the surface, but Sam is comfortable and loved and he thinks that maybe someday that will be enough.
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timeasmymeasure
Fill- Shame and Chocolate, T
Date: 2015-03-08 10:13 pm (UTC)He’s a big guy, has been since he was a teenager, and he definitely knows how to protect himself. All his life he’s been raised on this one idea of masculinity, of power and strength and the hunt, and that hasn’t helped either. That’s why he can barely even admit to himself most days that he was raped.
Gabriel finds out, of course he does, he’s always been good at snooping in other people’s business and finding out their deepest darkest secrets. The only good thing about it is that Sam’s certain Gabriel won’t use it against him like the angel does when he’s playing the Trickster. But that’s really not a consolation when Sam’s private shame is brought to light and he can no longer pretend that he’s just not ready for sex or even that he’s ok at all.
“Hey, hey, I’m sorry for bringing it up,” Gabriel says as Sam shakes and tries his damnedest not to cry. He knows that little human glitch probably wouldn’t make Gabriel think any less of him, especially with what he knows now, but it’s a reflex that he hasn’t quite broken himself of. “It’s gonna be ok. I can get you some chocolate?”
That makes Sam smile because it’s so very Gabriel. In his mind, everything but their colossally fucked up families can be fixed with enough candy, and Sam’s even found that sometimes that is the case. This, though, is something entirely different.
“It’s really, really not,” Sam says, voice a little hoarse from held back tears and the toxic emotions bubbling up in the back of his throat. “But you can get me some chocolate anyway.”
There’s a snap and a box of chocolate appears on the bed next to them, a nice mix of both of their favorites. Gabriel grabs one of them, the weird maple flavored bacon in dark chocolate that Sam secretly loves but usually refuses to eat because it has so many calories, and gingerly offers a piece to him. Sam smiles again because even now his angelic boyfriend is pretty much the most caring person he’s ever met.
“Can I… hug you?” Gabriel asks after a moment of watching him savor the chocolate.
Sam pauses for a moment, thinking, then nods, and he’s suddenly enveloped in a warm set of arms, the phantom brush of wings tickling his back. It’s exactly what he needs and he sinks into it, grabbing Gabriel’s shirt with two hands and holding on for dear life.
They sit like that until Sam’s lost all track of time and the miniscule shakes that wracked his body are gone. The tears and self loathing are still there, resting just below the surface, but Sam is comfortable and loved and he thinks that maybe someday that will be enough.