A Heaping Helping of Crack Makes for a Cracktackular Wednesday!

[squidgiepdx]

Ladies and Germs... Wait. I'll start again.

Hello, everyone! I’m squidgiepdx and to help us get over humpday in style, let's talk about crack. It's like art - you know it when you see it read it. Crack is what turns a certain floppy-haired Colonel into a bag of frosting and his best friend into a freshly baked donut. It's taking the characters from, say, Person of Interest, and dropping them into an Aesops Fable. It's like writing a certain member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and his Polish partner into the two leads of The Sound of Music. You get the picture! Crack is whack! And mondo extra special points for breaking that 4th wall!

But if you're into the more literal side of things, then how about lets go with crack as like a fissure, or a break in something. Maybe our intrepid hero escapes in a submarine, and is moments from certain death when a crack forms in one of the windows and water starts spewing forth.

Whatever way you like your crack, come give us your best!

Just a few rules:
No more than five prompts in a row.
No more than three prompts in the same fandom.
Use the character's full names and fandom's full name for ease adding to the Lonely Prompts spreadsheet.
No spoilers in prompts for a month after airing, or use the spoiler cut option found here.
If your fill contains spoilers, warn and leave plenty of space, or use the above mentioned spoiler cut.

Prompts should be formatted as follows: [Use the character's full names and fandom's full name]
Fandom, Character +/ Character, Prompt

Some examples to get the ball rolling...
+ due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski, Fraser is sure he's either drunk or out of his mind when he starts seeing cartoon characters come to life.

+ Stargate Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, An off-world mission leads to some rather unexpected physical transformations.

+ Hawaii Five-0, Steve McGarrett/Danny Williams + Grace Williams, Danny always calls Grace "Monkey" - but she accidentally gets turned into one!

We are now using AO3 to bookmark filled prompts. If you fill a prompt and post it to AO3 please add it to the Bite Sized Bits of Fic from 2016 collection. See further notes on this new option here.

Not feeling any of today’s prompts? Check out the just created Lonely Prompts Spreadsheet. For more recent prompts to write, you can also use LJ’s advanced search options to limit keyword results to only comments in this community.

While the Lonely Prompts Spreadsheet and LJ's advanced search options are available, bookmarking the links of prompts you like might work better for searching for in the future.


tag=crack

Comments

[squidgiepdx]

due South, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski, Fraser is sure he's either drunk or out of his mind when he starts seeing cartoon characters come to life.

[squidgiepdx]

Stargate Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, An off-world mission leads to some rather unexpected physical transformations.

Filled

[nagi-schwarz.livejournal.com]

"Pretty sure there's an anime stereotype for that," Dr. Naoe said, glancing up from his laptop briefly.

Rodney sighed. "Can you help me or not?"

"I'm a hacker, not a geneticist. Take it up with Beckett. Or Kusanagi. In fact..." Naoe turned and hollered over his shoulder for Miko Kusanagi, whose eyes went very wide when she saw Rodney. He didn't speak Japanese, but the words Neko and Kawaii were being bandied around a lot, and he suspected that was bad for him.

"Dr. McKay," Kusanagi said, blinking rapidly. "What happened?"

"Ancient device, off-world, touched what he shouldn't have touched," John said, and Rodney gritted his teeth, because how dare John sound so calm? He'd touched the damn thing too.

Kusanagi made a small sound and looked ready to faint.

Naoe sighed and sat her down in a chair.

Truth was, John looked unfairly cute, with his black-and-grey tabby-striped ears and swishing tail to match. Rodney looked stupid, with calico ears and a tail. He was no zoologist, but he was pretty sure most calico cats were girls.

"Describe the Ancient device to me?" Naoe asked.

Major Lorne, who'd followed John, handed Naoe a very accurate sketch.

Naoe opened a command prompt on his screen and began typing rapidly. "Let me put a query out to the Ancient database and see what I can find. Did you get Zelenka on it?"

"He's coughing up a hairball right about now," John said, grinning.

Lorne, who had sleek white ears with black tips, heaved a sigh of long-suffering. "I'll go track down a zoologist."

"This could take a while," Naoe said. "In the meantime, I think Dr. La Croix has some of those amazing chocolate mice."

Rodney perked up at the mention of mice, then immediately scowled when John snickered at him.

"I'm more interested in a ball of yarn, actually," John said. He caught Rodney's elbow and steered him out of the lab. Kusanagi was still staring at them dazedly.

As it turned out, John meant silk rope rather more than ball of yarn, but Rodney didn't care, because when John tied him down and nuzzled at his new ears like that, everything in the world was just fine.

[squidgiepdx]

Hawaii Five-0, Steve McGarrett/Danny Williams + Grace Williams, Danny always calls Grace "Monkey" - but she accidentally gets turned into one!

Fill: Monkeying Around

[brumeier.livejournal.com]

“This is all your fault,” Danny snapped. He would’ve pointed an accusatory finger at Steve if his arms weren’t full of furry brown monkey limbs flailing in every direction.

“My fault?” Steve’s eyebrows arched up so high they almost fell off his face. “You’re the one who insulted the kahuna. Again.”

“You may not be aware of this – Grace, will you please – but we were on a time crunch with that case. We didn’t have time for – Ouch! No biting! – for mystical mumbo-jumbo.”

Steve crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking smug. “That ‘mystical mumbo-jumbo’ is picking bugs out of your hair.”

Danny bristled at the slander against his personal hygiene, which Steve certainly hadn’t had any issues with the night before, but he had bigger problems. Namely the monkey now clinging to his back, which just ten minutes ago had been his beautiful, intelligent, incredibly human daughter.

“We need to find that kahuna, and get him to reverse whatever whammy he sent my way that Grace intercepted. Steven. Are you listening to me?”

Steve nodded. He scratched the monkey’s head, and received an appreciate bit of chattering in response. “You know, spider monkeys are really smart. Agile, too.”

Steve held his arm out and the monkey leaped from Danny’s back to Steve’s shoulder, long tail wrapping around his forearm.

“Thank you, Marlon Perkins,” Danny huffed. “I don’t need to learn the habits of spider monkeys, I need to get my daughter back.”

“Relax, Danno. Chin’s tracking down the kahuna; he’ll text me as soon as he gets a location.”

“Wonderful. And what do we do if she tries to make a break for it and starts swinging from vines?”

Steve gave Danny a disapproving look, which was unfair given the circumstances. If Danny had a suspicious mind, which he didn’t, he might have suspected that Steve was somehow involved in ridiculous farce that his life had become. Why else would he be so calm in the face of a transformation that shouldn’t have happened outside a Harry Potter book?

“She’s still Grace on the inside, Danny. She won’t give us any trouble. Will you, fuzz face?”

The monkey draped itself over Steve’s shoulder and curled its tail around his neck, making little pleased noises all the while.

“Guess that makes you a monkey’s uncle.” Danny had a hard time thinking of gangly animal as his daughter, but the look the monkey gave him – right before it jumped out the window – was all Grace.

Danny only had a moment to appreciate the look of betrayal on Steve’s face before he ran for the door.

“Grace Williams, you get down off the roof and get back in here!”

It was going to be a long day.

[enmuse.livejournal.com]

Mass Effect, Shepard + any, (me3) WHO TOOK MY SPACE HAMSTER?!

Not a fill (yet)

[classics-lover.livejournal.com]

He's down under Engineering, where Jack used to live :P

[enmuse.livejournal.com]

Final Fantasy 7, any, Noticing the arrow/triangle hovering over the head of the person prepped to attack. (i.e. characters noticing turn-based battle mechanics)

[enmuse.livejournal.com]

Mass Effect, any + the female quarian/male turian on Illium, Match-making shennanigans to get the Eternity patrons together. (Because the turian is adorable as he tries to clue his quarian into the fact that he really likes her.)

No fill (yet)

[classics-lover.livejournal.com]

That poor, friendzoned Turian is awesome ♥

[brumeier.livejournal.com]

Stargate Atlantis, Evan Lorne, When the robot invaders come Lorne is the only one who can turn them away. Without even breaking a sweat. (Do robots sweat?)

Fill (with a bit of Lorne/Parrish)

[nagi-schwarz.livejournal.com]

"Of course we didn't detect any life signs!" Rodney snapped. "Because they're not alive! They're robots!"

"Where they hell did they all come from?" John struggled with his bonds. If he could just twist far enough, he could get to the knife in his boot and maybe cut them free.

The city was on fire. People were running and screaming. The heavy ozone scent of stunner blasts filled the air.

"How should I know? Some kind of demented robot factory, obviously. They're not replicators." Rodney was struggling too, but the wrong way, and it wasn't helping.

And then a voice came over the radio. "I've got this, sir."

John paused, lifted his head. "Major Lorne? I ordered you to lead the evac to the Alpha Site."

"I got as many people through the gate as I could," Lorne said. "Let me handle the robots."

"By yourself?" Rodney cried. "Do you have a death wish?"

"No," Lorne said, and then John saw, down in the gate room, Lorne was surrounded by robots backing him toward the deactivated stargate.

They didn't even look humanoid, were skeletal and metal but bipedal and armed to the teeth. Half of their limbs were just machine guns in disguise, and John was convinced they could make ammo out of thin air. They all had their weapons aimed at Lorne.

Who raised his hands in a gesture of surrender...and began emitting sounds like a digital dolphin, clicks and squeaks and beeps, and the robots responded. Trembled. Squeaked in reply.

"Are...are they laughing?" Rodney asked.

One of the robots lunged at Lorne, and John cried out, but the robot was - hugging him.

On the other side of the room, Zelenka and Parrish were bound to each other.

"See," Zelenka said, "I told you he was a robot."

"A robot who tells robot jokes," Parrish said faintly. "I always meant it metaphorically when I said he was a machine in bed."

"Whoa, TMI." John wriggled some more, managed to get his boot close enough to reach for his knife. "C'mon, Rodney, let's go rescue Lorne."

"I don't think he needs rescuing," Rodney said.

Lorne was directing one of the robots to heal a fallen scientist. Another robot was ruffling Lorne's hair affectionately, and John suspected that the writers who directed his life were on some serious drugs, and right about now, he probably needed a dose.

[squidgiepdx]

Stargate Atlantis, any/any, They walk onto a planet that seems to be nothing but 80s and 90s sitcoms.

[brumeier.livejournal.com]

Hawaii Five-0, Steve McGarrett/Danny Williams, Danny is a zombie but it's not brains he's interested in eating. ::winks::

[brumeier.livejournal.com]

Any, Any, They wake up one morning only able to talk in TV catchphrases.

Stargate Atlantis, gen, mini-fill

[nagi-schwarz.livejournal.com]

John knew something was wrong when he woke up and rolled over, kissed Rodney on the bare shoulder and went to ask how he slept and what came out instead was, "What's up, Doc?"

Rodney blinked at him and murmured a bleary, "How you doin'?" like he was in an episode of Friends.

It wasn't just them, though. Zelenka was, glumly, dedicated to the cause of Wabbit season.

Lorne couldn't even talk. He'd open his mouth and that weird donk-donk sound from Law & Order came out.

Everyone was reduced to writing notes, and suddenly those college dorm whiteboards that had come on the most recent delivery from the Daedalus didn't seem so stupid.

Ronon and Teyla were baffled, because neither of them even knew Earth TV shows (although Ronon was pretty gleeful about saying You're fired!).

And Teyla could only say, "Indeed," which made no sense. Sure, it was legendary among the expedition members who'd done time at the SGC under The Mountain that it was Teal'c's go-to word, but no one knew what TV show her rendition hailed from, especially since she intoned it just like Teal'c did.

[squidgiepdx]

Person of Interest, Harold Finch + or / John Reese, They fell asleep at John's apartment and woke up in Miami with the Golden Girls hovering over them.

[a-nonny-missy.livejournal.com]

You have a really disturbing imagination, has anyone told you this??

[squidgiepdx]

Stargate Atlantis, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay &/or Evan Lorne/David Parrish, The expedition suddenly develops an acute allergy to wearing clothes

Fill

[nagi-schwarz.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry, Major, could you repeat that?" John glanced at Rodney to make sure he wasn't the only one hearing things.

"There was a gate malfunction, and when we stepped out on the other side, we had no clothes on. All our tac gear, but none of our clothes. So...please send clothes. And also some kind of gift as a formal apology for the natives who are very...conservative - hey! Get your hands off him! He's mine!"

Major Lorne trailed off, and a muffled scuffle ensued on the other side of the radio transmission.

John glanced at Elizabeth. She looked perplexed and also like she was trying not to laugh.

"Chuck?" she asked. "How is such a thing possible?"

"I don't know, Ma'am, but I can run diagnostics immediately." Chuck's hands flew across the control panel.

"Well?" John asked Elizabeth.

"Obviously we need to send them some clothes. Check with Teyla about an appropriate apology gift for the people of the planet. And suspend all gate travel until further notice."

John nodded. He radioed a marine to go to Lorne and Parrish's rooms to get spare uniforms, and then he radioed for Teyla.

By the time the marines returned with clean uniforms, Teyla and John had arranged a nice-looking gift basket with paper, pens, chocolate, some exotic fruits traded from other planets, and Teyla had penned a carefully-worded note.

Chuck fired up the gate.

Elizabeth got on the radio. "Major Lorne? Dr. Parrish?"

"Here, ma'am." Lorne sounded strangely breathless. Had he been combating the natives?

"We're sending clothes and a gift basket through. Clear a space in front of the gate. And please, give our deepest apologies to the people there," Elizabeth said. She nodded at John, and he and Rodney edged toward the event horizon, pushed the basket and clothes through.

John was unprepared for the yanking sensation on his wrist, and only had time to yelp before he was dragged through the event horizon by some unseen force.

He tumbled onto gravel, Rodney beside him. Both of them were stark naked.

The natives, covered from throat to wrist to ankle, abandoned the gift basket they'd been admiring and started screaming.

Lorne, halfway into his clean uniform (his torso covered with suspicious red marks), toggled his radio.

"Ma'am, the stargate is still malfunctioning."

John scrambled to cover himself, but Rodney just sighed and heaved himself to his feet.

"What?" Rodney asked when John shot him a scandalized look. "It's nothing you've never seen before."

John had never seen that much of it before, and it looked pretty good.

"You know what I mean." Rodney rolled his eyes. "We're all men here. Except for, you know, those women over there."

Said women were hiding their faces behind their hands and weeping.

"We'll send through more clothes - with a MALP," Elizabeth said.

There was a pause, and then Chuck said, "So, apparently the gate has several different operating modes, and somehow it got switched to, um, Matchmaker Mode."

John raised his eyebrows at Lorne, who swallowed hard and blushed and turned to help Parrish into his tac vest. John glanced at Rodney, who was eyeing him speculatively.

John was about to stand up and inquire further about this Matchmaker Mode, and then the MALP crashed into him.

[bookdustgrey.livejournal.com]

Torchwood, author's choice, the day something from the Rift turned everyone except [author's choice] into puppies

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Buffyverse (BtVS and/or AtS). any. The fate of the world is defined by a game of Twister.

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Buffyverse (BtVS and/or AtS). any ex-Sunnydale resident. "This used to be home" "This hole in the ground?"

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Avengers. any. Failed experiment = 2 personalities in 1 body

Fill: MCU, Clint Barton/Phil Coulson & Tony Stark – An Experiment 1/2

[megan-moonlight.livejournal.com]

"Boss? You won't believe what Blake did today. It was hilarious," Clint said as he opened the door to Phil’s office. He shrugged off his leather jacket and threw it on the couch before he stepped closer to the other man. "You should’ve seen it. One of the baby agents accidentally blew up the... Boss?"

Only after he was standing in front of Phil and took a closer look at him, Clint noticed that the man was leaning forward with both hands on the desk, not blinking. As if he was lost in thoughts, but… weirder.

"Hey, Phil, you okay?" Clint asked, getting more and more worried with every second Phil stayed silent. "What’s going on?"

He put one hand on Phil's shoulder, keeping the touch gentle, but then Phil moved back and screamed, startling Clint in the process.

"Shit! We all know you're a spy, but damn, using your skills for evil? Not cool," Phil scratched the back of his neck.

"Phil?"

"Agent? Where?" Phil looked around the office, first at the desk, then at the door, at Clint again, then at the phone he was holding "Crap, can you maybe tell me where we are exactly? Because I'm pretty sure I was in my lab, then I kind of blacked out..."

Hearing the last sentence Clint moved forward quickly, pressing the other man against the wall and using his whole body to keep him in place. Never looking away from the man before him Clint reached for the knife he kept in his vest. "Who are you and what have you done with Agent Coulson," he hissed.

"What are you... oh, shit," someone-looking-like-Phil said, his eyes focusing on the knife as he raised his hands in surrender. Before Clint could say anything, the man added. "Indeed, Mister Stark."

Clint blinked, surprised, but did not lower the knife. "What are you talking about? What about Stark?"

"Legolas, don't freak out, but I think we might have a tiny... situation in here. And Agent does not seem to be happy about it."

"...Tony?" Clint frowned, feeling lost. "Is that you? Wait, if you are here, then where is Phil?"

"Well, the thing is he's kind of here, too," Tony-in-Phil's-body winced, then added: "I'm here, Clint."

"Okay, first things first: how do I know you're you? Or that Tony's here and not someone else? How did that even happen?"

"You see, I wanted to prove Bruce and Rhodey wrong and during the experiment I might have called Agent, because Pepper wanted to talk to him. Then I blacked out and here I am," Tony said, and how weird it was to see Phil but talk to Tony? "Clint, remember the mission in Brussels? When you and Natasha had came back to the hotel your arm and leg hurt so I had helped you shower and gave you a massage.”

"Right. Fine. I guess I believe you, but how is that even possible," Clint hid the knife back in the pocket of his vest, but did not move away from Phil. And from Tony or whatever. He was still a bit confused. "Phil? Are you okay? Besides the whole Tony thing, I mean."

"Phil, the Director asked you to sign the... Damn it, Barton, can't you at least wait until you’re home before you start groping him? How many times do I have to walk in on you two?"

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

Gilmore Girls*/Good Omens. any. Adam was raised in Stars Hollow*

(*can be changed to any other fandom that takes place in a small town=

Fill

[nagi-schwarz.livejournal.com]

Dean still wasn't a hundred per cent sure how he'd ended up following Rory on a walking tour of Stars Hollow, but he didn't mind. Her box of personal effects wasn't heavy, and even though she was nervous, she was clearly enthusiastic about her hometown, and the way her eyes lit up when she talked so fast was endearing, to say the least.

She pointed out the bakery that sold the round cakes, Doose's Market, the gazebo in the middle of town, Luke's diner that sold the best coffee, Al's Pancake House that didn't sell pancakes. She spoke so fast that Dean had to scramble to keep up with her, mind spinning from the deluge of information.

So he almost missed it when four kids - three boys, a girl - rode by on bicycles, a little dog chasing them, and Rory said,

"That's Adam. He's the Antichrist. Pepper, Brian, and Wensleydale are the rest of his gang, called The Them. They roll around town on their bicycles and don't do much. Adam's dog, Dog, is actually a hell-hound, but as you can see, Adam has a very different notion of what constitutes a hell-hound."

"Wait, what?"

But Rory was chattering on. "This is Miss Patty's Dance Studio..."

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

any. any. "Murphy's law rules my life today." Or: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

[doreyg.livejournal.com]

Star Trek: TNG, Q +/ Any, It’s not really an exposition dump if a character is reading it off a futuristic device

Little Fill

[classics-lover.livejournal.com]

"Captain, a new Starship has appeared on sensors," Data said. He paused and then elaborated, "it was not on long-range scanners, before, sir. It either utilises cloaking technology or..."

"Or, Mr. Data?" Picard prompted.

"Or it just winked into existence, sir," Data finished reluctantly.

Picard kept his expression calm but inwardly he was swearing. "Winked into existence" was code for Q dropped it in our laps.

"Can we identify it?"

"It registers as the USS Exposition, sir," Worf chimed in from over Picard's shoulder.

"Of course it does," Picard muttered almost under his breath. "Hail them. Let's find out what Q wants us to know."

[doreyg.livejournal.com]

Batgirl (2009 run), Steph Brown +/ any, Steph decides to retire from crimefighting and open up a waffle palace instead

[doreyg.livejournal.com]

The Flash (TV), Barry Allen/Rogues, if a polyamorous relationship is the only way to keep his Rogues in check then Barry’s going to take it

[doreyg.livejournal.com]

Babylon 5, Lennier/Michael Garibaldi, Lennier’s increasingly ridiculous attempts to woo Garibaldi

[doreyg.livejournal.com]

Hawkeye (Fraction run), Clint Barton/Kate Bishop, Black Books AU

[likewinning.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD THAT'S BRILLIANT

[squidgiepdx]

Captain America (movie 'verse), Steve Rogers/Bucky Barns, Steve is a florist, and his best friend Bucky is his best customer.

Fill: Making Arrangements

[brumeier.livejournal.com]

So, this ran too long and isn't even close to crack. ::shakes head:: But I hope you like it anyway!

Making Arrangements (http://archiveofourown.org/works/6612148)

[cozy-coffee.livejournal.com]

Supernatural, sam & dean, a witch turns them into hedgehogs